Masturbation Is My Meditation

via giphy.com

via giphy.com

 

I laced up my sneakers to burn off some steam while chomping on a mouth full of gum to take the edge off. I was at the gym for my second workout of the day.  I had so much energy, but had no idea where it was coming from.  I had been extremely emotional lately, bursting into tears just because.

Equinox was full of dudes pumping iron. I was in heaven. My body was screaming at me. F*ck one of them!! They all looked good, The tall ones, short ones, black ones. Even the skinny ones. The other women even started to turn me on. I ran into a guy who I dated briefly. We went our separate ways because there was no chemistry, however, this particular Sunday, he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen. I was confused, but more concerned about my odd behavior and naturally, thought I was going to die, but that’s another story.

I couldn’t make sense of the agitation, excessive workouts, and compulsive gum chewing. My body was hurting too, like I had the flu. I went to my online doctor, Google, where I discovered my major malfunction:

I was sexually frustrated.

It was textbook. I had all the symptoms.

  • Constantly listening to sexed-up music
  • Everybody was attractive
  • I was having crazy sex dreams
  • Extreme irritability
  • Out of control crying
  • Psychotic Exercise
  • Oral Fixations

It dawned on me: I left my vibrator at a hotel in Miami one month earlier.  I hadn’t masturbated since then. No wonder I was out of sorts.

“You should masturbate every day.” my best friend told me.

I told her about my sexual frustration saga. “I do”, she said.

She was right. I needed to get laid like yesterday, but the next best thing was a quick cab ride to Pleasure Chest to restock.

As a 39-year-old woman, I had only owned 2 vibrators in my entire life.  My last and only trip to a sex shop was last summer to Babes in Toyland and I’m still so proud of myself.

It was ballsy to walk into one of those shops period, let alone handle the merchandise and ask product questions with a straight face.

I did all of that and more. $300 later, I was the proud owner of a pink and white Rabbit-- one of the best on the market. Known for its dual stimulation.  I plugged that baby in as quickly as possible and waited two of the longest hours of my life, before I tested out my brand new vibrator.

I gave the Rabbit a test drive and was transformed. I was no longer tense. My vision became clearer. I felt human again. Masturbation had saved my life!  

Knowing the power of the M word was a game changer.  

Once I had performed masturbation triage to release all the pent up sexual frustration, I started to enjoy being with myself, figuring out what felt good.  So I did it again, and again. There was no right, or wrong; the judgement melted away.

The more I touched myself, the better I felt and looked.  I was highly creative, and felt super sexy and good in my skin.

Sexuality has always been a side gig for me.  Something I did if I had the time, or my vibrator hit me in the face, but not something I prioritized.  For me, it was a shameful act. Dirty,  animalistic, and gratuitous, especially since I was doing it all by myself, and usually in the dark.

Masturbation is secretive, risky and really embarrassing if you’re caught in the act.

Everyone remembers when Jason Biggs was caught masturbating with baked goods in American Pie. Not a good look. And masturbating can be lonely. I have an orgasm, but there's no snuggling. No talking about how great it was. No partner to snack in bed with. I get off, but then what? It’s just me and Madison, my teddy bear, watching GIRLS on my laptop.

My recent experience showed me how powerful masturbation could be--both the raw angst of sexual frustration and the relief masturbating provided. Its actually a fundamental part of being human. I would have ignored the sexual frustration except that I am a writer and need all of my creative juices to flow onto the page.

Since that fateful Sunday, I promised myself I would masturbate every day, and am proud to say that for 3 weeks, I’m almost 100 percent.

 It's literally on my to-do list with things like laundry and food shopping.

The recent political climate has encouraged me to speak up about my life experiences to exercise my strength, femininity, and most importantly, my sexuality.

The fact is: I can’t tap into my truth if I'm disconnected from my sexuality. Nor can you. Go ahead, touch yourself, turn yourself on.

For me, embracing masturbation has been part of being a self actualized, independent woman who runs her own show.

I want a man, but don’t need him to have an orgasm, to feel pleasure, to feel sexy AF.

I can do all of that and more with my hand, my dual stimulation Rabbit, or my latest and greatest toy, a necklace by CRAVE, that doubles as a personal vibrator. I wear it the office where even my colleagues noticed I’m more relaxed.

“You look so calm, have you been doing yoga?”

“Masturbation.” I told them.

“Meditation?“ they said.

“Yes, meditation.”