It wasn’t until we moved in together that I began to feel stifled and confined. It started to feel like I was losing my sovereignty and autonomy within the relationship. We had become so over-merged. I was struggling to find myself within it.
Then my partner left town for the weekend. Our first night apart in over six months. My spirit immediately began to re-inflate. Thoughts began to crystalize and that night I asked for something to shift.
I had recently been leading this workshop over the phone with about fifteen people from all over the country. I had met none of them in person. I had a particular, unspoken connection with one of the participants in the workshop who lived on the west coast. We only had maybe two phone interactions outside of the group calls, but those conversations stood out to me nonetheless.
There was something about the energy between us that was so intriguing. It lingered with me after our phone calls. We had recently become friends on Facebook, so I had a sense of her physical looks and interests.
That night, as I settled into my bed, I could feel this particular woman’s energy washing over me. It’s hard to explain in words.
I was sexually awakened. It felt sweet. My curiosity carried me a little further. I was nervous about allowing the emotions to rise to the surface. My thoughts told me that perhaps I shouldn’t be exploring this, letting this energy through this way. After all, I had a partner.
But despite what my mind was saying, the sexual somatic desire continued to build. The feeling kept growing stronger, even in the face of my perception of right and wrong.
For years, I had been practicing masturbation as a tool for manifestation.
I was able to harness my sexuality and spiritual power to manifest my goals and desires. To drive my life forward in the direction I wanted it to go. Once I repeatedly visualized the interview for an extremely coveted job, step by step, until I envisioned receiving the offer upon climax. And it came into reality.
Masturbation always seemed to be my purest source of energy and intentions. But I had only ever used it in a practice for self reflection and motivation.
That night, the masturbation that ensued became a gateway of ecstasy, a portal toward alchemizing something in my world that so desperately wanted to shift. The sensation was so intense that feelings of both passion and destruction fully rendered me.
As I was touching myself, the energy of this budding connection was all over me, in me, flooding my whole being. I fell asleep continuing to plead that this unforeseen urge would somehow be for the benefit of all involved.
The next day, she called.
I received a voicemail thanking me for the work we did together in the virtual workshop. That’s when things got strange.
The last thing she said on the voicemail was, “I wanted to tell you that last night as I was falling asleep I felt something that was quite specifically your unique frequency signature. I don’t fully know how to describe it but it felt like this light matrix of energy and I was just consumed by this wave of you. It was bliss-filled… and it was sublime. So whatever you’re doing over there on the east coast, I just wanted to let you know that your prayers are felt.”
I was shaking as I listened. We were connected. I had never encountered another human who was that tuned-in and could feel this inner dimensional plane of reality. I was truly being received.
The next day I called her back and asked to talk. I went to the park and sprawled out on the grass and told her the truth of what had happened two nights before. What was unfurling was so intense and powerful.
That conversation opened the gates — wide. We swiftly and consciously progressed to a more intimate conversation and discussed how meeting in person would affect our respective relationships. We were both with partners, but there was mutual acknowledgment that the potency of this connection could not be ignored.
The four of us dove in.
After a few weeks, we actually spoke with each other’s partners, and our partners talked to each other. We shared with raw realness how it was affecting all of us. How we might navigate this unconventional evolution in a way that felt virtuous and transparent.
Over the next couple of months, I took two initial trips out to California for an in-person visit to see just how real and trustworthy this pulse of desire was. Eventually, I packed up some of my belongings for a longer stay and deeper exploration. The impulse and inclination to come together was overwhelmingly undeniable. I had to know. I had to see this connection through.
Following this beautifully lascivious path led me to the farthest reaches of the unknown. I had unbounded opportunities to explore new forms of commitment in relationship, romance, and sexuality. Ultimately none of them were meant to last forever. But we walked each other as far as we could along our respective life-paths in this incarnation and I gained countless invaluable friendships and profound love experiences. The gateway of self-pleasure revealed paths and ushered in new, deep-seated connections that would not have been made if I hadn’t found the courage to see beyond my perceptions of right-doing and wrong-doing and step through it.
In the past, my version of integrity always revolved around other people’s feelings.
I was constantly orienting myself around everyone else’s needs to ensure (or so I believed) they weren’t being hurt by my life choices. But this experience taught me, among so many other lessons, that decision-making from that place is a full-blown disservice to myself and to the beloveds in my life.
I can’t protect everyone and I can’t control how other people feel or react to my desires.
I have always strived to live my life with integrity as my compass, my North Star. But this experience of following an unquestionable impulse of self-pleasure taught me that it was possible to maintain my integrity without compromising my own truth.